Emotional distance is a common issue in many relationships, but not all forms of distance are the same. One of the more misunderstood and harmful types is “Intimacy Anorexia”, a term defined by Dr. Doug Weiss, which refers to the active withholding of emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy within a relationship. As a certified intimacy anorexia recovery coach, we have seen the unique challenges this condition presents, both for the partner experiencing it and the partner living with it.
What is Intimacy Anorexia?
Intimacy Anorexia is the *“active withholding of intimacy from one’s spouse.”* Unlike general emotional distance, which can occur due to life stressors or temporary disconnection, intimacy anorexia is a deliberate and repeated avoidance of intimacy, affecting the emotional, sexual, and relational health of the couple.
Several key behaviors that define intimacy anorexia are:
– Being too busy for the spouse
– Blaming the spouse for relational issues
– Withholding love and affection
– Not initiating or avoiding sexual activity
– Feeling anger or resentment towards the spouse
– Using silence as a tool of control or punishment
These behaviors are not occasional; they become a chronic way of relating, creating a deep emotional chasm between partners. Unlike temporary emotional distance, which may ebb and flow with circumstances, intimacy anorexia is more ingrained and requires specific intervention.
How Does It Differ from Other Forms of Emotional Distance?
Most people experience periods of emotional distance at some point in their relationships—whether due to stress, unresolved conflict, or life changes. While difficult, these experiences often come with an underlying desire to reconnect and repair the bond. Intimacy anorexia, however, is marked by a consistent and intentional refusal to engage in emotional or physical closeness, even when opportunities for reconnection arise.
Here’s how intimacy anorexia differs from other types of emotional distance:
- Intentional Withholding vs. Unintentional Disconnection
– In typical emotional distance, disconnection may happen as a result of external pressures, such as work stress, personal issues, or mental health challenges. While painful, the lack of connection is usually not deliberate. With intimacy anorexia, however, the avoidance of intimacy is intentional. The intimacy anorexic may consciously or unconsciously withhold emotional connection, physical affection, or spiritual closeness from their partner, often as a way of maintaining control.
- Chronic and Persistent Behavior
– Emotional distance may come in waves and is often resolved when issues are addressed. Intimacy anorexia, on the other hand, is a persistent condition that remains even when external stressors subside. It’s an ongoing pattern of behavior that requires awareness, healing, and often, professional help to overcome. Without addressing it, the intimacy anorexic will continue to withhold closeness, even when their partner expresses a desire for connection.
- Lack of Vulnerability
– In healthy relationships, vulnerability and openness are key components of intimacy. Couples might experience moments where one or both partners struggle to open up, but eventually, they seek to restore the connection through honest conversation or shared experiences. In contrast, intimacy anorexia involves an active avoidance of vulnerability. The intimacy anorexic may refuse to share their true feelings, thoughts, or concerns, leaving their partner feeling emotionally starved and alone. This lack of vulnerability prevents real connection and exacerbates emotional distance.
- A Sense of Control
– One of the unique hallmarks of intimacy anorexia is the sense of control the anorexic feels by withholding intimacy. Emotional distance that arises from external factors is often unwanted and uncomfortable for both partners. However, in intimacy anorexia, the person withholding affection may feel empowered or in control by keeping their partner at arm’s length. This dynamic not only harms the emotional well-being of the relationship but also perpetuates feelings of helplessness and rejection for the non-anorexic partner.
- Impact on Sexual Intimacy
– While emotional distance can affect physical closeness, intimacy anorexia specifically targets the sexual aspect of the relationship as well. The intimacy anorexic may avoid initiating sex or may withhold physical affection, even when it’s clear that their partner desires connection. This leads to feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and deep loneliness for the partner, further widening the emotional divide.
The Impact on Partners of Intimacy Anorexics
Living with an intimacy anorexic partner can be deeply painful and confusing. Partners often feel married and alone, unloved, unwanted, and rejected, even though they are in a committed relationship. Over time, this emotional starvation can lead to resentment, self-doubt, and even depression or anxiety for the non-anorexic partner.
Partners often struggle with understanding why their spouse is withholding love, and without proper awareness of intimacy anorexia, they may blame themselves for the disconnect. Recognizing intimacy anorexia as a condition that requires specialized recovery can be a critical step toward healing.
The Path to Recovery
Healing from intimacy anorexia is possible but requires intentional effort, honesty, and often professional guidance.
Recovery typically involves:
– Identifying and addressing the underlying causes of intimacy anorexia, such as trauma, addiction, or fear of vulnerability.
– Learning to recognize the patterns of withholding and taking responsibility for one’s actions.
– Engaging in open and honest communication with a spouse about needs, boundaries, and desires for intimacy.
– Committing to consistent emotional and physical engagement, even when it feels uncomfortable or vulnerable.
For the non-anorexic partner, recovery also includes self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and sometimes participating in couple’s coaching to rebuild trust and connection.
Conclusion
Intimacy anorexia is a unique and destructive form of emotional distance that requires attention and intervention. Unlike other forms of emotional disconnection, it is driven by intentional withholding and can wreak havoc on relationships over time. However, with the right support, awareness, and a commitment to healing, couples can overcome intimacy anorexia and learn to reconnect in a deep, meaningful way.
If you or your partner are struggling with intimacy anorexia, know that help is available. As a certified intimacy anorexia recovery coach, we are here to help guide you through the healing process and support both partners on the journey to a healthier, more connected relationship.
You may contact Tom and Michele via their website, tableministry.com or on their Facebook, or Instagram.